A Near Death Experience Changed Me

 Rachelle Graham as told to by Billy Monteo (last name was changed to protect to privacy)

 Billy grew up in troubled times in an environment where gangs were more common than after-school activities. Guns were easier to find than brand new textbooks. Crimes were broken and nothing near as innocent as truancy.

     He wasn’t blessed with a conscience. That gift wasn’t on his short list. He was also dirt poor.  Whatever remorse he felt was buried deep. If he had had any money to go to a psychologist, a diagnosis of antisocial personality or sociopath would be fitting. He didn’t care. Nothing mattered to him, except maybe a cold brew, money and a cute girl.

   Billy spent his time with people who robbed cars and stereos and stores like they were entitled. Nothing was too far for him, even shooting at opposing gangs while innocent people’s lives were in the cross hairs. He swears now he never killed anyone. But maybe that was what he needed to tell himself in order to feel content with his life now. A life way different than the one he was brought up in.

   When Billy was in his twenties he slit his wrists. The tub was full of blood and he was drunk as can be. Still, he remembered the pain was intense. Nothing was going to stop him from cutting, he said. Severe depression was also on his short list. He wanted no more pain.  

     His heart was officially dead long enough for him to have the experience of his life. An experience which changed his life and gave him something he may or may not have been born with. It took losing his heart to gain one.

     He drifted away from his body as his last rites were being read over the sheet placed over his body. “By the Blood of the cross forgive his/her sins and failings. Remember the faith of those who mourn.”

     A guide led him to an unpleasant place by way of a downward tunnel.  He described this place as hell. Spirits were reaching out to him and throwing things at him, trying to get his attention. They were there to better themselves but were moving at a slow pace. They wanted his help. They wanted a chance to go back and change their time on Earth.

    He was brought out of hell and into the light, where Jesus or a being of light showed him many things. His life review, the pain he’d caused others and the pain he’d caused himself. He also saw the world from the beginning to the end. To him, the experience was hard to remember.

     A few other being of light appeared, standing next to Jesus. They were debating whether he would get another chance on Earth to prove himself.  The area was warm, safe and protected. Everything was so light he wondered why he didn’t need sunglasses. Everyone communicated telepathically and he could feel immense unconditional love and forgiveness radiated from everyone.  He didn’t want to go anywhere. He wanted to stay there forever, he’d never been happier.

    A being of light he said was God telepathically responded, “He is one of my favorite spirits. We need to let him go down to make things better.”                                                          

     Another being of light disagreed. “He didn’t quite make the cut. He needs to go to hell.” They both looked at him and searched for the answers. The brass machine in the middle of the room wasn’t facing up. It was facing down.

   Billy begged for the chance to go back and make things right. He wanted to stay right where he was. But that was not an option. It was made clear to him all the good he could do on this world if he came back.  

     So the decision was finally made. He would go back and try again. He would learn remorse and guilt. He would learn to put people first. And he’d use his religion to help him help others. He was eager to go back and prove himself. Within minutes, he was back in his body.

   Billy knows he’s still far from perfect, but he understands empathy and compassion. His feelings shut off in his past were turned back on. He now has a heart that feels guilt and can love with real human compassion.

     When he came back alive, his family and priest looked at him as if he was Lazarus. When people were read their last rite that was it they were gone. The priest had never seen someone come back before.

     He now stays away from guns, gangs and narcissistic behavior. He’s close to his family and is good to his friends. Billy now has a pet who loves him because he is kind and caring to him. He’s written a novel to help those who are ostracized because they weren’t born the same way. The book may go against his catholic upbringing, but he knows treating people the same and as if they all matter is what the people in his near-death experience taught him.    

   Billy is not afraid of death, far from it. He welcomes it. He’s also not afraid of hell. It was painful but he knows it is a place for people to get better.

   Lack of conscience may be a permanent challenge for some, but for Billy it wasn’t.

   As someone who suffered from severe depression for many years, he is now getting his footing back. He hasn’t tried to kill himself in years and is in recovery. He now faithfully takes his medication and attends therapy. He learned to not only love others but how best to love himself. One of the most important lessons he learned from his experience was how valuable love was.